


Remnants

by alexorish_waters



Category: Game of Thrones (TV), The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/F, F/M, alternative universe, mix of small things from GoT and The 100, shit happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 16:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4270458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexorish_waters/pseuds/alexorish_waters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pain. So powerful, as if somebody had introduced thousands of burning needles into her body,  and it wasn't still good enough to describe how she was feeling right now. She had this sensation that her head was going to break in half; just like a porcelain doll dropped to the ground. From the rooftop. Slowly falling down, down, down...</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>How does it feel when you see your whole life, as if it was a movie? AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remnants

**Author's Note:**

> So after a long break (EXCUSE: EXAMS) I wanted to upload a short (long) one-shot before I start to write more chapters for my another Clexa story "Rude". Big THANK YOU to my best in the world beta reader - L. I love you girl and I'm sorry that I gave you SUCH a big shot to work with.  
> Guys, she's the best. Without her I wouldn't probably be able to post this small fanfiction up - my goddesss of corrections!

 

_Ooh, Devin!_   
_Won't go to heaven._   
_She's just another lost soul about to be mine again,_   
_Leave her!_   
_we will receive her._   
_It is beyond your control, will you ever meet again._

 

"There's a limit to how many times you can say you're sorry or fuck someone up"

 

_Sit there, hm, count your fingers._   
_What else, what else is there to do?_

Pain. So powerful, as if somebody had introduced thousands of burning needles into her body, and it wasn't still good enough to describe how she was feeling right now. She had this sensation that her head was going to break in half; just like a porcelain doll dropped to the ground. From the rooftop. Slowly falling down, down, down...

 

_When they're falling down, honey, all around you._   
_Oh, I know you're unhappy._

The girl wanted to open her eyes, but she couldn't do it, no matter how strong her resolve was. She couldn’t even make a single move, and that was why she was wondering if someone hadn’t put her into a unit for pathetic accidents. There was no way you could talk of a nice mood, and even blind man would notice that something clearly wasn't right. Not to say abysmally wrong.  
  


_Ah my unhappy, my unlucky_   
_And my little, oh, girl blue._

But from the doctors' whispers in the background, it was obvious that her state was even worse. Was that why she was feeling now a headache? The last thing she remembered was a baseball bat, zooming past her eyes and hitting her temple. She wanted to cry because of this depressing helplessness. Indeed, she would be inclined toward begging for somebody's help. It was already too much and the contents of her stomach wanted to see the clear light of hospital lamps, but her lips refused to react. Does it mean, that, right in this moment, she would choke on her own vomit? Well, if this was a way to shorten this horrible pain...

 

 

_Child, the living’s easy._   
_Fish are jumping out_   
_And the cotton, Lord,_   
_Cotton’s high, Lord, so high._

"Alexandria..." somebody sat on the edge of the hospital bed and clamped its cold fingers on her forearm.

Mother. She came? What if she did it only because of the call of duty? Damn, she knew right from the beginning that this woman would come. The cold hand she felt on the forehead made her shiver. Deep inside her fogged mind.

"What happened?" her voice cracked. "How are you going to help my daughter?!" Daenerys Targaryen screamed and Lexa already saw in her head how her mother set all those people in white robes who were glowering at the fierce woman, on edge. If she only could, she would ask since when she cared so much about her, but, right, she couldn't ask, and all these people who were standing around her bed should have done everything to make her body work right again.

“We're trying to determine, which parts of the brain are faulty” said a man. She heard him very clearly, so he must have come closer. Surely, he put his hand on her mother's arm and she threw it off very quickly. Yes, for sure.

“May...” Daenerys was speaking very quiet, so Lexa has had to prick up ears, in order to understand something from this. “May she never wake up again?”

“Please, you have to hope for the best, Mrs Targaryen “ she heard in response. “Really, right now we have no idea how long this state can last.” after these words, the lying brunette had to fight for another breath. Everything was just messed up. So, now she knew that she could not come back. She wasn't afraid, her people were always saying that only fools dread. Fear was foreign for Lexa, she couldn't do anything with it.

_Now if I am to survive_   
_The infection must die_   
_Murder the beast that's been eating me alive_   
_The infection must die_

 

 

She was eight, Anya was six since a few days and probably the worst sister in the world. Besides, she had small pox and in the blink of an eye she had infected Lexa. Fool! They had to share the same room and that threatened one of the sister’s life, but father said, that if they were to relocate the girls from their “isolation place” where and how they wanted, then for sure the germs would spread everywhere and he, himself, had never been ill with this whole small pox thing.

“ Don't scratch yourself “ mother looked ferocious at the younger daughter. She had dark hair and big brown eyes with an unknown hint of anger.

“ But it itches! “ Anya, a smaller copy of her sister, dressed in a violet pajama, clenched her small fists on the quilt and twisted her lips in a despaired grimace. “ She has it better!” she aimed with her finger at the lying in the neighbor bed Lexa, who was fiercely reading a book meant for people her age. “She doesn't scratch herself like I do! It itches her less!” she concluded outraged, but the older daughter of the Targaryen didn't answer with a single word.  
It was the middle of September and outside the window the big black clouds were slowly crowding. This kind of weather wasn't common in Denver and all the signs were pointing at a serious rainstorm. Daenerys exited the girls' room and Lexa stood up from her bed in flash, putting on everything in reach of her hands. Anya shot her a confused look, while the other girl pressed a finger to her lips and shook lightly her head.  
  


“Quiet” she ordered, throwing a disgusting beige sweater on herself. It was a gift from grandma Targaryen. Their mom always said that presents aren't gave to someone so that this person can give it to somebody else or throw it away, yet Lexa was wearing it only if the worst were to happen. It wasn't the purgatory, she wasn't dying but a beige sleeve was just sticking out from the slightly open wardrobe.

“What are you doing?” asked the younger girl, rising slowly from her bed. She scuttled to her sister, standing close by.

“Going out” announced Lexa, as if it was a perfect normal thing in the world. Anya goggled at her with big brown eyes (just like her mothers').

“But you're sick!” in her small voice was a note of disbelief. “And it's raining” she fixed her eyes on the window Lexa had already approached. The older sister Targaryen opened it fully and sat on the windowsill. “Lexa!”

“What?” the eight years old girl spread her arms, not sure why Anya was making such a big deal out of it. “Go get dressed, we're going for a walk” she showed with her chin the garden on the outside; a few rain drops got inside. Their own rooms were situated on the first floor, yet this guest room was on the ground floor, just near the kitchen, and that's why the height wasn't a trouble, at least for Lexa.

“We will get screwed” said Anya gloomy, however she obediently started putting on some parts of clothes, including a funny hat with a big pompom that made Lexa laugh really hard. “Did you hear me? Screwed!” she raised her voice, yet because she was standing just by the window, Lexa put her hand against Anya's mouth, ordering the younger girl to shut up.  
They jumped down from the windowsill and went running to a nearby park located just behind the Wood's residence. It didn't took much time before their father noticed their absence. His screams accompanied them for the whole way back home and after this both of them got a good scolding and Lexa caught pneumonia. Daenerys was sitting by her bed the whole night and at that time she wasn't doing it out of duty. At that time she was sure of it, but now...

 

_Your daddy’s rich_   
_And your ma is so good-looking, baby._   
_She’s looking good now,_   
_Hush, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby,_   
_No, no, no, no, don’t you cry._   
_Don’t you cry!_

“She will be alright” to her ears came a quiet, manly voice. Father! Seriously? Interesting, how long he made them wait. What kind of important case stopped him again? It was a simple malice of her, but she was slowly losing the sense of reality. She wasn't sure for how long she had already been lying in a hospital bed and how much time passed since her forehead collided with a baseball bat. There was a soft rustle of fabric and she could swear that her father let Daenerys go from his arms.

“Maybe we should call Anya?” he asked, and Lexa would have made a grimace of disgust with pleasure. “She should know. You know, since her state didn't change and nothing points like it will.”

“Alright” mother agreed after a longer moment of silence. No, she didn't hesitate, maybe everything was coming to her with a big delay. “Drogo - ?” she sat nearby the hospital bed but couldn’t finish because the doors to the Lexa's hospital room opened and the doctor entered with a small party of specialists; Lexa had heard their footsteps already on the floor. Intravenously they gave her medicines, apparently painkillers, and added something to strengthen her body and something to sleep. How did they knew she wasn't asleep? Right, they had this whole gear to monitor her bodily functions. Mother rose again and father took her place. He sat so still for a long time. It would be easier for her, if he had at least tried to say something, assure himself that his daughter couldn’t hear him... Silly! What had she expected? That he would wring his hands? That he would let himself have a small moment of weakness or to shed a few tears? There would be no tears. Lexa never saw her father crying. But apparently, twenty years ago such a situation had had a place, at least that's what grandma Targaryen said, but her one and only son always disclaimed everything. It was that October night when Lexa came to the world. However, she couldn't imagine that kind of scene. It would be so much easier if her father, for a short moment, let down his guard and stopped to resemble a fucking cyborg. But he probably couldn't let himself do it.

“ _Lajt_ (Fight)” he spoke finally and the brunette, somewhere in her mind, froze.

 

_No hesitation_   
_When I am commanded to strike_   
_You need to know_   
_That you're in for the fight of your life_

_You will be shown_   
_How I've become...._

_Indestructible_

She was ten when she was involved in her first serious fight. A real one a life or death situation. She went to play soccer and the playing field was located in the park, the one behind the residence. As bad luck would have it, there was also Finn Collins, whom she truly hated. He never let her be alone. Finn always took her ball without permission and was pulling at her hair every single time he saw her, and as Lexa had made herself clear she didn't want to spend time together with him, he used words that were insulting to her mother. Her fists clenched and the next thing she remembered was Finn's smashed face. She was sitting on his stomach, clenching her hands on his throat. Somebody managed to separate them and Lexa had thought really long, whether she should come back home; in the end a black eye and cut lips were speaking for themselves. Crossing the doorstep, she hung down her head, yet it didn't escape mother's attention. Lexa was ready for screams, after all her parents always yelled, but this time it went without cries and resentment.

“Where have you been wandering? Wait, come closer with this eye” Daenerys took her chin and winced ostentatiously. “It doesn't look good, we need to put ice against it” she grabbed her by her small hand and dragged into the kitchen. “Would you explain to me what happened?” she asked. Mrs Targaryen knew her ten years old daughter inside out.

“Who got on the wrong side of yours?” Drogo appeared, out of nowhere, in the kitchen. He was tall and strong, and Lexa always had to lift her head in order to see him.

“Finn Collins” she replied quietly. “But he started first! He insulted me “ Drogo, was peacefully strolling over the kitchen. “And then... Then he said something about mom, something disgusting “ Lexa winced, struggling to remind herself, which concrete words the twelve years old boy used.

“ You did well ” said shortly her father, looking down at his daughter who was staring at him with her mouth wide open. They didn't spoke about it anymore, and as her mother left the kitchen and went to the living room and Lexa wanted to go upstairs, Drogo propped himself against the casing of window and nodded his head approvingly comforting her in her belief that she could never give up on something without a fight.

__  
Come on bring it  
_Don't sing it_   
_Better believe it_   
_Broken down till your hope has died_   
_Beat down. Till victory's mine_   
_Stand up and show me some pride_   
_And now, are you ready?_

 

 

She had probably fallen asleep, as if in her current state there was such a thing as sleep. Was it thanks to the medicines? Probably. She felt weak and still, despite all the best desires, she couldn't open her eyes. Someone was relocating himself in the room; there was definitely more people than before. More whispers. Whispers, which, instead of soothing, were raising doubts.

“Go back to the hotel” father's voice was somewhat absent. “Come on, we will take it in turns” soft smack; he kissed her forehead, but the woman didn't move from her place and was still sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, squeezing her daughter's hand. There's a sound of a chair scraping on the floor.

“Go both of you” was it Anya? For sure it was. Lexa has started to curse her in her thoughts. She hurt her, and now she could feast her eyes on her misfortune. Because, that's what she was looking here for, right? She wanted her older sister's life to shatter, and please, what a nice surprise! And what? Will they leave her in the company of a psycho? Don't they dare! Closing doors sound; the doctors have their rounds. One of them leaned over and said something to Mr Targaryen but Lexa didn't understand anything of it.

“ What do you mean by you can't, for goodness' sake!” footsteps, weird rustles; mother was tearing some specialist's smock sleeve apart. Father dragged her back, Anya rose up from her chair, and Lexa heard in her head the rap of her high heels.

“ Listen, doc” she growled at the leading doctor, and after that there was a torrent of abuse, not really nice to hear. Ouch. So it must be really bad if Anya, her very own sister, who was the number one reason of Lexa's daily hate routine, took charge? Damn it. Apologetic doctors quickly left the room and Lexa shivered inside. It was horribly cold, her father rearranged her quilt and then went out, taking with him his wife. Anya stayed, but just for a moment and Lexa's mind was following the rap of high heels, which carried away through the corridor for few moments. They couldn't leave her here alone, could they! Anya came back and covered her again with an extra blanket. Much better. Warmer, and she would probably stay here.

“What are you doing, Lexa? “ she asked. In answer, she would have probably heard that she should go away, get lost, but instead there was only the rhythmic sound of the devices . Anya sat next to the bed and Lexa felt odd because of it. She had always been the older one, but she never was really a big (or even any) help for her, somehow it didn't work.  
  
  


_You can't hide now_   
_I am the warrior_   
_So decide now_   
_How they'll remember you_   
_Do not hide now_   
_Act like a warrior_   
_Show some pride now_

“You must be crazy!” fifteen years old Lexa lifted her hand, in which she held a cigarette. High, so that Anya couldn't reach it, but she still managed to knock it out of Lexa's hand. “Ah, whatever” she shrugged and pulled out one more cigarette, which she lighted in flash with a lighter from her pocket. “I'm not going to fight with you, kid” she rolled her eyes.  
It was a full summer and they were hiding under a big tree in garden not only from the sun, but also from their parents, whom the sisters were more frequently stealing their cigarettes. Or, more like, Lexa was stealing them, Anya didn't took a part in it, however it didn't stopped her to take her sister's possessions. She took a drag on the raised from the ground cigarette and coughed several times.

“Shof op (Shut up)” growled angrily the older Targaryen's daughter. “Do you want somebody hearing us? And why are you...” Lexa froze in place as she saw that their mother was bustling around the garden. She quickly extinguished a still smoldering cigarette and crammed it into a wooden crack.

“What are you doing, Lexa?” the over a head shorter young girl rose her eyebrows, giving her a questioning look. Daenerys saw them at that moment. Actually, her gaze filled with anger and disbelief, stopped on the younger daughter as Lexa didn't thought twice and run fast in the direction of a hedge. Anya didn't managed to react and she was the one who had to deal with the consequences. Silly, she should have been more careful. And Lexa should never had let her smoke. She was still just a child, well, both of them, and there was no doubt about it. It's just that Lexa didn't cared about what her smaller copy was doing and what would happen with her later. It was the jungle law, everybody has to take care of themselves. No, she wasn't a good sister.

She didn't noticed, when Anya went away but at her place was already someone else; her own thoughts had consumed her completely. Under closed eyelids the whole world was spinning, she wanted to sit, and for the most part she just wanted to leave this place, but her body, very successfully, refused to obey. Warm fingers squeezed her cold hand.  
  
  


_I was caught up in the moment_   
_We were alone and you seemed to harness the light_   
_Even though I felt cold inside_   
_When you told me it would be alright_   
_I had given up control and_   
_I didn't focus hard enough to see the warning signs_   
_Your heart is serpentine_

“Girl” it was Costia, Costia Stark. “Where did you land?” So good. So smart. Her fingers touched the warmed up cheek of the lying girl, and she, if only for the fact that her eyes were already close, would for sure have closed them under this feeling. She had a connection with Costia through a weird kind of relationship, skipping the whole romance they got involved. However, if she only saw it from a different angle, it was the number one thing that made their connection evolve so much until today. It couldn't be named as friendship, but for sure it was a strong, very strong relationship. The woman was thirteen years older but it wasn't about the age. If they only ever have tried to be a couple, it would end at nothing, because their hearts were already by someone else. Stark had Eddard and that was right. The best.

“Do you hear me?” a quiet question reached her brain; Costia's voice was calm and cool. It didn't tremble like the one that belonged to her mother. It didn't remind her in any way the tone her father was used to use. This one was warm, soft and filled with care and this thing, unknown to Lexa, kindness. “Lexa...” Costia sat on the chair but quickly changed her mind and took place on the bed's edge. “Hey, squeeze my hand” the brunette felt on her palm the woman's warm fingers and she really wanted to move them, making an effort with all her senses. She couldn't do it, does nobody really understand this? “ Jon began to speak” announced Costia. “I guess that this time for good, and in his dictionary you will find more words than just carrot” she laughed. “He will grow up for a strong willed man “ she added but quickly fall silent. “Lexa, wake up, please...” silent, soft whisper offering peace. Yeah, at that time she asked her for it too.  
  
  


_I was caught up in the moment_   
_We were alone and you seemed to harness the light_   
_Even though I felt cold inside_   
_When you told me it would be alright_

She showed up at work earlier than usual, because Costia had had enough with her daily getting late routine and Lexa had that thing, she was always late, no matter what the place or the situation. She wasn't particular about being right on time where she was expected, and the people who were around her, well, they had to get used to it. It was at the time when she and Costia started to regularly sleep together, without any declarations nor commitments. Lexa stood in the doorstep of the supply base and had a look at her employer, who was leaning over a bunch of papers. The room wasn't big, more, like, cramped and extraordinary dark, lying garbage everywhere, a few chairs, incomplete shelves and antic paintings.

“You're late” declared the dark haired woman, without even looking at her. She flicked through a document and put it aside on the small paper mount with others.

“Not this time, I'm not going to give you this satisfaction” said Lexa in answer, shuffling her feet. Costia wasn't so sure about this, because she put another file aside and took a look at the small clock standing on the desk. Her expression showed more than a small astonishment. The younger girl burst out laughing and came closer. “Surprised?” she asked. She stood behind Costia and run her fingers over the exposed woman's neck. Stark shivered, enjoying this moment. It didn't last long before she rose up, so that they could now watch each other in the eyes.

“We're at work, don't allow yourself too much, Targaryen” she said with a serious tone, but the she smiled and pressed her lips on Lexa's. They had been standing like this for a longer moment when the brunette broke it and she stared at the woman.

“ _Yu ste kwelen_ (You are weak)” she declared, because that was what she was really thinking about it, and by this she meet the roused eyebrows of the employer, as she didn't understood the meaning of her workers' words.

“Just like you” Costia smiled flirtatiously and she went to kiss Lexa's lips again but the idea was rejected by a voice coming from behind the door, announcing that there was a big crowd in the cafeteria and that they need more people to help at work. The woman quickly moved away from the brunette but didn't turned away her hazel eyes. “ Can you promise me something?”

“Is there any sense in making a groundless promise?” Lexa Targaryen didn't belong to the people who were delivering on a promise. That's why she wasn't sure, if she would be able to fulfill that one.

“Don't get late anymore” she said, and on Lexa's face appeared a wild grin that was speaking for itself – it wasn't possible. “Lexa, I beg you!” it was a request, but Costia almost yelled, making Lexa jump into place and she lifted her hands above her head in a defense gesture, nodding. She would try to keep that promise. Really, she tried, but it ended as always.

_Who is innocent?_   
_No one is innocent._   
_Who is innocent?_

 

The ruling silence on the ward was driving her crazy. The whole world consisted of sounds. And smells. Mother, when opening doors, always brought the scent of the coming Spring. Cologne mixed with cigarette’s smoke was a hint that dad was around. Christian Dior's perfumes were inseparable with Anya's enters, and on Costia's clothes was always the same tea aroma. Now, Lexa didn't took notice of the fragrances, but of the murmurs of quiet voices. A fierce argument.

“Pathetic monkeys with a _branwada_ (fool) on the leader's chair“ mumbled someone under his breath. It was Lincoln. He came really close to the bed but didn't sat on it, neither on a chair. He was standing like this, staring at Lexa's bruised face, at least she had such impression.

“Everything will be alright” Octavia assured him. Blake was a paramedic, still a student, but she was learning to become a paramedic, so she could, goddammit, do something!

“She moved!”

“Go home, Lincoln, you're tired...”

“I know what I saw! Don't make a fool out of me!” Lincoln was probably getting upset. Lexa would pay to see it, because he always moved his nostrils so funnily. The very interested thing was whether she actually made a move. She didn't think she did. Lexa overheard, as the doctors were speaking, that it may be an unconditional reaction on someone's touch or change of temperature. Octavia sniffled. Don't cry, idiot. Don't cry.

“Octavia” whispered Lincoln, and Lexa could let someone cut off her finger, because she was really sure Lincoln just hugged Blake. They were silent, but this kind of silence wasn't annoying.

“I just... I just want it to finally ends, you understand? I just want her to come back well...“ Octavia had a hoarse voice. That's probably because she was talking to Lexa the whole morning about her life, what's going on at her job and how she couldn’t find her own place because Bellamy and Raven went to Moscow for a few days... She sobbed, and clung even more to Lincoln. Both of her friends came here together, it was... nice.

“I know” he was holding her tight and Lexa, even if she never had a need to drown her own sadness in his arms, felt strongly about Lincoln's ability to do such a nice gesture. He came closer to the bed and leaned over it. “Lexa, what the hell are you doing?” a firm voice rang out by her ear. “Would you be so kind and come back to us?” she wanted to open her eyes but this time, too, she didn't managed it.

“Lexa, what's going on?” this time it was Octavia, who practically pressed her nose to the other girl's cheek. “Wake up, we're waiting for you...”  
  


_Your corruption is like_   
_A cancer growing inside_   
_You owe the world an apology_   
_You've been taught all your life_   
_That truth is easy to hide_   
_You'll face your judgment another day_   
_And suffer eternally_

“Where are you?” Lexa heard the question as she pressed her cellphone against her ear. She held it with her arm and put cigarettes into the pockets of her old black denims.

“On my way” Lexa mumbled. She went to reach for the keys but they weren't on the coffee table, so she began to look around in the room. Finally; they were lying on the windowsill, next to the silver ashtray.

“Liar” said on the other said a calm, feminine voice. Ouch, was just Octavia insulting her for lies? Right. “I've free time, so hurry up, okay? You should be grateful, because Raven is working and Bellamy sleeps at his friend's house and if not this...”

“Yes, I know” Lexa interrupted Octavia, walking through the doorstep into stairwell and then jumping every second stair down. “You would've been spending this evening with them. Give me fifteen minutes”

“Fifteen minutes?”

“Fifteen” she confirmed and nodded but this one Octavia couldn't see.

Lexa was living in the Central District, just like Blake’s siblings and Bellamy's girlfriend, Raven, so it took her exactly a quarter of an hour to get into the bar called “The Arch” and she jumped onto a high bar chair. The place was overcrowded, no wonder, the long awaited weekend was just about to begin.

“Whiskey with cock” she said to the barista, and to the soon paramedic-girl, who was intently watching at Lexa, she sent a fleeting smile. She wanted to say something, but the girl silenced her with a single hand move.

“Don't say anything” she ordered, taking a small sip of her blue drink. “Let me guess, you'll sell me another fairytale on a kindergarten level, something like, my dog ate my homework? “ Octavia rose her eyebrow and bit on the black straw in her glass.

“I am supposed not to say anything” Lexa replied, shrugging her shoulders. She almost hit with her head the bar counter, because someone with a heavy hand tapped on her back. “Fuck!” she turned around, ready to hit back, but before her eyes was the well-known gab of Lincoln. “Are you fucking high?” she snorted disdainfully. It wouldn’t be something new in the older daughter of Targaryen's case.

“Hi, Lincoln, it's nice to see you” he said, trying to make his voice sound a little higher. “Hi, Lexa, you too” after this short play, he looked at Blake. “And who's this?” the boy asked, shifting his gaze at Lexa, who just glanced shortly at the girl.

“That's Blake. I mean, Octavia” she answered, and the soon-to-be-a-paramedic girl stretched out her hand into stranger's direction, which he quickly shook. “Octavia, this is Lannister. Lincoln” she informed her and took a small sip of the ordered whisky.

“Hi” he greeted cheerfully, smiling wide. To be honest Lexa didn't have it in her plans to spend time with him, but since he already came here, and Octavia didn't said no to his company, she changed her sit one chair onto the left, making space for Lincoln. That's how they met and it wasn't probably the worst experience ever. They got drunk. Very drunk. All three of them. Nobody had warned them that a mix of various alcohols would be such a big dose of death, especially for a twenty one years old alcoholism's candidate. Octavia left The Arch without problem on her own, but Lexa through the whole way back home had to hold Lincoln on her arm. It was warm for the end of February, suitable for four AM happy walks.

“I have to pee” Lexa murmured. She tripped over a curb, but, what's surprising, she held her balance well and went toward nearby bushes. Octavia sat astride the sidewalk, and Lincoln... Lincoln was holding desperately onto a road sign before he threw up.

“Hurry up, we will not wait for you forr... Forer... Forevr, fuck. Forever” he hoarsed finally correctly and Octavia clapped once with approval. Few more seconds and she would probably give a warm “congratulation!” . Lincoln faltered till he pressed his forehead to the metal pipe and sighed deeply. He was looking like something the cat dragged in, yet Targaryen wasn't used to sympathize with other people.

“Leexaaaa!” she heard Octavia loudly shriek, as she was trying to buckle up her denims. “Leeeeeexaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” she looked curiously over the bushes. “Take a look, how funny he threws up!” the other girl giggled and then her laugh got uncontrollable. So much, that, as Lexa came back from the bushes, she accompanied Octavia. They were standing in the middle of the street and laughing, as if they were runners from an asylum. It was one of these good evenings. One of these, which reminding is always a nice thing, even with all these hangovers you get after drinking too much. One of these, to which she likes to come back to, even if only with thoughts.

__  
  
To change the face of my life  
_With your future in mind_   
_Time to do what was right_   
_A new beginning_   
  


“I can't, do you understand? I can't stand this anymore! “ in the familiar voice she could hear fear and despair. And some... impotence. Clarke. She grabbed Lexa by her arms and shook her lightly. It was so much like her. From them both, Clarke, truly, was the strong one. She was racing through life obstructions like a thunderstorm, a tornado, and only sometimes was she looking behind. The funniest thing was that Lexa and Clarke matched because they were so different; stubborn, warm and sensitive Clarke with fire inside her heart and Lexa – cold, unresponsive, restricted emotionally. Yet they found each other somehow and despite all the troubles or mistakes, they stuck together. Their love wasn't only composed of eternal arguments and understatements. There was a lot of various, great gestures of true devotion and looks full of love, lust and understanding. Fact that they could laugh together about the same things. That they didn't have to held hands all the time when they're off for a walk, because they both knew that the other was right here. That, and Lexa could solve the mystery of Clarke Griffin's moods with just a short look. And the way Clarke kissed her right in the corner of her lips before saying goodbye. There is a million things to say about their love and one life isn't enough to tell them all. Small, inconspicuous signs of tenderness, which are mostly lost in the daily routine. But they are so important...

“The doctors said, that... That it may last forever. That you may not wake up “ her voice cracked. Shit, so that's what's going on. This time Lexa was afraid. So there actually was something she was afraid of. But it wasn't the fear of the death nor agony, but of all things she couldn't fix – what she broke and destroyed for her own pleasure. The fear of not getting back for even a single chance to do things right. The fear of not seeing her again...

Clarke leaned over her and kissed Lexa softly right on her lips, but in this was a hint of misery. Her hair smelled like oranges. And rain. It'd been raining outside? Probably yes, now Lexa concentrated herself on the raindrops that were hitting on the window. Earlier she preferred to hear Clarke's quiet voice, instead of crying – she couldn't bear it. Lexa wanted to hug her and reassure her, tell her that everything would be alright, but she couldn't stand up from this fucking hospital bed! She hated helplessness and now she suffered because of it ten times more.

“I love you” mumbled Clarke right into her ear, making this everything she wished to come back to. She felt a warm breath on her neck as the blonde was falling asleep, embracing Lexa's waist. Impatient words and arguments soothed with kisses. The same that smoothed things over – such as trouble thoughts. Her presence was only for Lexa. And she gave herself up for her, even when she thought that she could in every moment leave. She couldn't.

 

_You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains_   
_Carried the cross of my shame, oh my shame_   
_You know I believe that_

_But I still haven't found what I'm looking for_   
_No, I still haven't found what I'm looking for_

The night lamp bounced off the wall and with a loud thud landed on the floor. Lexa sent Clarke an indignant look. She wanted to say something, but before she managed to open her mouth, she narrowly avoided a flying vase.

“I hate you!” exclaimed Clark. What number of “I hate you” was it now? And why? Lexa had no idea what she did wrong. The brunette needed explanations, Clarke owed her them, yet, instead her girlfriend welcomed her with smashing doors and after this the next thing was a flying lamp.

“What's your problem?” she asked, trying to come closer, but she quickly gave up on that idea; the blond haired girl clenched her fist on Lexa's sweater but she managed to escape from the grip. “Clarke?” her voice was stoic, but not sharp, not in this moment. Clarke shivered with anger, struggling to catch a breath.

“I saw you, when you were hugging Costia“ she announced, and in her eyes was an anxious glint. “There's something going on between you two again, right? Are you lying to me again? Jesus, and I, naive, I thought that you could change for me!”

“What?” Lexa was trying really hard to remind herself the whole situation and maybe it was a bad move, but on her face lit a smile and the girl didn't fail to burst out laughing loud. “There's nothing between us, I swear” she came closer to her and took hold of Clarke's arms. “Clarke” she took her chin with two fingers, to look into her beautiful, stormy blue eyes. “Nothing's goin...”

“I know that there's something” the blonde quickly protested. She blinked a few times to hold back the tears. She promised herself that she would never again cry because of Alexandria Targaryen. Clarke wanted to pull away but Lexa didn't let her go.

“Listen to me” she begged. “Remember, we promised each other that we'd talk, so there would be no damn misunderstandings “she add and a moment passed, before Clarke nodded. “You're right, I hugged Costia, but that doesn't mean anything. She's finally engaged to Stark, so I wanted to congratulate her” after saying this, Lexa shrugged, as it was a totally normal thing in the world. It was. There was nothing between her and Costia anymore, they understood their mistakes. Otherwise Lexa wouldn't be here to help Clarke get through hell after her father's death and she wouldn't fall asleep in her arms. The room was completely silent and Clarke looked down just to look up again.

“Really?” she asked unsure; she crammed her right hand into the pocket of her shorts and placed the left one she put on the other girl's hip.

“Really” Lexa smiled at her and it was one of those smiles Clarke knew so well. One only for her. “I love you”. Once the love confessions weren't something common for her, but with time everything had changed. Clarke laughed loudly, grabbing her girlfriend's cold hand with her slender fingers. She came closer and put arms around the brunette's waist, hugging with her cheek the gray sweater sleeve. Lexa lowered her head, breathing in Clarke's scent. She was smelling like her. It was just her. It was right this way, it should be this way forever.  
  


_I have climbed highest mountains_   
_I have run through the fields_   
_Only to be with you_   
_Only to be with you_   
_I have run, I have crawled_   
_I have scaled these city walls_   
_These city walls, only to be with you_   
  
  


Night. It was dark and her mouth was dry. Her tongue was like wood and her head? Her head was slowly shattering into a million of little pieces, as if she was hit with something heavy. Ah, right, the baseball bat. She didn't even remember why she got into a fight with those two loudmouthed girls. They were something like two times bigger than her plus Lexa had a belated reflex. And they had a bat. She said definitely too much and it didn't help her to show her fists. Shit happens. Now she was lost in space time, it was maybe already a month since she got into the hospital. She could lay like this forever, she really could, but...

“Lexa, open your eyes” commanded a firm voice, which rumbled somewhere under her skull. Clarke again. What was she doing here? She was already here in the morning and in the evening. “I need you” she added quietly but Lexa managed to hear her. The next thing was a flash. She had this feeling, as if she was in a super-fast elevator.

Nothing.

Emptiness.

A sharp jolt.

Lexa quickly opened her eyes and the hospital's ceiling was twirling like a carousel.

Her head didn't shattering and then a sudden wave of nausea came. In a flash she was surrounded by doctors. Finally! Do something! Were they waiting till she threw up her guts? She closed her eyes but the ceiling didn't stopped doing evil circles. People in white clothes were whispering something between them. Their voices reminded Lexa of a million little ants, scampering in the deeps of her brain. The brunette opened her green eyes again. Around her reassembled a group of white, blur silhouettes, and between them stood Clarke. Her face – a splash, but Lexa was sure it was her.

“Clarke” damn, it was more like a hoarse spawn. Lexa wanted to get up and she even tried to do so but someone's hands pushed her back onto the hospital bed.

“Nearly 40 Celsius degrees fever, we need to cool her” a manly voice was heard in the room. They gave her something – IV – that should help her. Never in her life had she felt so awful.

“Clarke?” Lexa shivered. Cold.

“Here” Clarke answered immediately. She sat on the bed's edge and took the girl's palm into her warm hands. “I am here” she assured. That's right. Safe. And she will for sure stay, like always. The pain lightened a little and Lexa stopped fighting with her falling down eyelids. She followed the rabbit.

_Living after midnight_   
_Rocking to the dawn_   
_Loving til the morning_   
_Then I'm gone, I'm gone_   
  
  


As she woke up, outside the first ray of lights were fighting their way through heavy, dark clouds. Clarke was asleep on the chair nearby and it was the first time Lexa could take a good look; disheveled hair, dark blue bags under her eyes. Lexa tried to lift herself up but the first rustling of quilt worked like an alarm and Clarke rouse nervously.

“Lay down” she said quickly. “The doctors forbid you to get up. How are you feeling?” she crouched down by the bed.

“Good” Lexa rasped. “And to be honest, I feel so fucked up because of how you appear” Clarke giggled lightly and the brunette looked around the room. “I'm thirsty” she licked her chapped lips and in short she could sink them in a glass with a wonderful cold water.

“I thought you'd die” confessed the girl with stormy eyes. Her chin trembled, so Lexa clamped her stiff fingers onto Clarke's hand. “I thought that I'd never see you again” her eyes were wet. So there was no way to get through this without shaded tears, over Lexa's case. “I can't imagine my life without you in it. Don't you ever do something like this again, you understand?! Never again!” and then all the great words Lexa wanted to use disappeared. Clarke laid herself down next to her, as close as she could. Something got stuck in her throat and Lexa, the famous Alexandria Targaryen, couldn't hold back salty tears, which flocked in her forest green eyes. There was crying. From both of them.

_I've got my ticket for the long way 'round_   
_Two bottle whiskey for the way_   
_And I sure would like some sweet company_   
_Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow. What do you say?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading and i hope you enjoyed it! Tell me in comments what do you think about it! 
> 
> You can also write to me here, if you feel the need or have questions - alexorish-waters.tumblr.com
> 
> \- A.W.
> 
> Lyrics - Disturbed, Janis Joplin and The Cup Song


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